Guess who? Yeah, it’s me. Which means something probably went wrong. And it did. A guy who I was friends with for most of my life passed away yesterday. And even though we haven’t spoken in years, and for good reason, this is still affecting me more than I thought it would.

Before I get into it, it does feel a bit weird writing this about someone who betrayed me, and whom I was not speaking to. But as I said before, getting my thoughts into words is therapeutic for me. I find it a good exercise for organizing my thoughts and coming to terms with things.

I got a phone call yesterday afternoon. When I saw who it was, I knew it was for one of two reasons. And I was right. C, a guy who I have known most of my life, and who was my best friend for most of that time, passed away yesterday.

I wrote in another post why C and I don’t speak anymore, and why we haven’t spoken in the last 10+ years. Truth is, I was hoping that could change. You see, M, C’s wife, reached out to me several months back, urging me to reach out to C. I told her why I wouldn’t do that. And even though she is the one who warned me of the situation originally, she now insists that it is not how it went down. She told me that he regrets that we were not on speaking terms, which I was, as well. I told her that he knows why I am upset, but yet in 10+ years he had not picked up the phone to try to clear the air. That from my perspective, his actions are why we don’t speak, and if he wanted to talk then it’s his move.

Of course, things are never easy. She told me that she told him the same, but he did not want to call because he was afraid I would say no.

So now I’m sitting here, my thoughts spinning like crazy. Was it his fright that kept us from speaking the last 10 years? That kept us from never speaking again, as it turns out? Or was it my own stubbornness?

Either way, the best friend I have ever had has died. And I didn’t even get to say goodbye.

And I feel lost.