I find myself at a loss for words as I sit here trying to get my feelings out of my head and into words. I can’t help but wonder if I’ve hit a pivotal age. I don’t feel that old, age-wise, but something sure feels different.

It’s really been a rough few years. I guess it’s only logical that as time goes on, you will start losing people who are important to you. I guess I expected that time to be a little further off.

I’ve never been one to have many friends. All through my life I’ve usually maintained a small group of close friends, rather than a larger group of not-as-close friends. I know I wrote in my last letter about two of my life-long friends who are no longer friends of mine, which is a loss that I feel quite acutely.

So why now? Why do I choose this moment to write about feelings of loss and yes, of sadness? It’s probably easiest that I explain.

Let’s start in 2013. No, its not THAT recent, but it was the beginning of what is starting to feel like a trend.

So, in late 2013 (October, I believe), my friend Jon passed away. Jon and I had been friends since we were teenagers, and that friendship lasted 27 years. Sure, some of that time was rough, as I ended up working for Jon for over 10 years. They say that you should never work for family or friends, with good reason. Working for Jon was difficult, but I made it, we, made it work. It’s because of working for Jon that I was able to survive as a single dad with full custody of my kids. Working for him gave me the flexibility needed by a guy trying to work and raise his kids on his own. It seemed at times we had sort of a love/hate relationship. He was a close friend, but working for him was, at times, nearly intolerable. Though, by working for him I was able to save enough to move to GA, and to buy my house. I would still travel down once a month to meet in person to discuss work assignments and such. My last such meeting was uncharacteristically a good one. We actually sat and talked, not as boss/employee, but as friends. Even when I returned, I reflected at how nice the visit was and how I enjoyed reconnecting with him on that level. 2 days later he passed away.

I took Jon’s passing pretty hard. This was the first time I’d lost a friend as close as he was. I guess you can say I kind of fell into a funk, of sorts. You see, Jon was a hypochondriac. He was very concerned with his health, and would immediately see a doctor if he felt at all under the weather. I would have considered him in exceptional health. To boot, he was also a little over a year younger than me. So losing him to natural causes was more than unsettling.

Skipping forwards a bit brought us to August of 2017, when I lost you, Dad. This was obviously a rough time for me as well, as is evident by the fact that this blog exists as a direct result of your passing. I won’t delve as deep about this here, as I have gone into great detail in other letters also posted here.

A mere 4 months later, in December of 2017, I lost Sharon. Sharon and I met in high school and were friends. After high school, G actually rented the house across the street from Sharon’s family and I got to know her a bit more. And, even later on, her and I had a chance meeting at a Circle K and re-kindled our friendship which eventually bloomed into more. Sharon was the first woman I actually lived with, and not many people know this, but she was the first woman I asked to marry me. Though, just so we are clear, that is a VERY small number. As a matter of fact, I’ve only ever asked one other woman to marry me, the mother of my children. Obviously, things between Sharon and I did not work out and we broke up. I didn’t speak to her for many years after that, decades actually. We did eventually reconnect and I found out that she was married and had 2 more children. Her son, Andrew, had grown and married and had a family of his own. After a time, I decided to go see Billy Joel in concert in Nashville TN, and Sharon asked to join me. She agreed to get her own room and that we were reconnecting purely as friends wanting to share a concert together. We had a pretty good weekend, but I’d be lying if her intentions were completely platonic, though mine were. She did speak of leaving her husband for me, but I was honest with her and told her that I no longer held any feelings for her. We didn’t talk a lot after that, I’m guessing because she felt awkward about her words to me, but I cannot be sure. Anyways, even though we were no longer as close as we once were, it was still a shock to lose her so young. Also to natural causes.

Moving again just a bit forward from this, and we find ourselves in April of 2018. Again, I’ve written in detail about G, and losing him and its effect on me. As such I’m not going to rehash it here, except to mention it as another stop along the way.

This brings us to now, April of 2019. Just a mere few days ago, I lost yet another dear friend of mine. I met Rhonda in high school, and she had a pretty big impact on my life. Case in point, Rhonda was my first love. Sure, I’d had crushes before, but she was different. She wasn’t the first girl I kissed, but she was the first that I REALLY wanted to kiss. She was definitely the first girl I ever told that I loved her. I was utterly and completely smitten with her. We spent the better part of my senior year together, went to prom together, but our relationship was cut short when her family up and moved the day after graduation. Which means that she was also my first heartbreak. I took it pretty hard, as I’m sure you can imagine. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t demonstrating some pretty self-destructive tendencies, but I was eventually able to pull myself out of my funk and move on. I’ll be honest, if I had any idea exactly where she had ended up, I’d have followed her, no doubt about it. It would be decades before I saw her again, and by that time she was married and building a family of her own. Which was fine, though, because by this time I was married and building a family of my own. But, as many say about their first love, she always held a special place in my heart. As it would happen, Rhonda and I had a lengthy conversation just about a month ago. We talked about quite a bit and actually found some closure that had eluded us since we were mere teens. In essence, just like with Jon, Rhonda and I were able to reconnect in a meaningful way. And before anyone gets any ideas, it was completely platonic. The important thing, though, is that we were able to find peace and closure. And while the timing, just like with Jon, is a little creepy I am grateful that we were able to find this semblance of peace before her passing.

Now, as I said before I’ve never subscribed to large amounts of close friends. There is actually a pretty small number of people who have graduated from friend to the rank of close-friend. The number of women who I can say that I was sincerely in love with is even smaller. Such significant losses, so close together, is really doing a number on me. I understand that life will be life, and that death is a part of that.

But lately I feel as if the hits just keep coming. If this truly is the beginning of some sort of trend, I have the feeling that I’m going to be in for quite a bumpy ride. This is something I’m definitely not looking forward to.