Well, it’s official.  It’s too late.  I’m never going to find out all the things I wanted to know about you, or to tell you everything about who I am.  I guess I figured there would still be time.  Well, there isn’t.  That boat has sailed.

When I got the call last night, I knew what it was going to be before I even answered it.  I almost didn’t answer the phone, as if avoiding the call would make it go away.  But I did.  And it wasn’t whom I thought it was.  It was your oldest daughter, calling to tell me the news.  It was all I could do to keep the pain and sorrow out of my voice.  She was obviously out of her mind with grief, and I didn’t want to make it worse for her.

Thank you, by the way.  Oh, there are so many things I would love to thank you for.  But for the moment, I’ll settle for thanking you for my two sisters.  Sisters whom I also don’t know as well as I’d like to, but really want to.  They’re both incredible, and I feel blessed to call them my family.  I know I’ll have to work at it (I’m obviously not very good at this sort of thing), but I’ll do my best.  And thank you for my Stepmom.  She is wonderful, and I am thankful for her for being by your side and sharing your life for all of these years.

You know, my oldest memories are of you, even though I didn’t know it for awhile.  I remember you picking me up from a day care, and I was standing on your back seat looking out the window and trying to spot “beetle-bugs” (we didn’t call them Punch Buggies back then).  As a matter of fact, all of my earliest memories are about you.  I remember riding the paddle-boats at TY park, and you drove us under some low hanging trees like it was a cave, and I was so excited.  I can also remember you coming to my grandma’s house one morning to see me, while I was playing with my fisher-price airplane.  These memories are quite vivid.  I couldn’t have been more than 3-4 years old.  It seems like a complete lifetime ago.

I was too young to know what happened next.  The next thing I know I was a young teen, and in boy scouts.  Somehow you had found us, and my mom begrudgingly let you take me for visitation.  But, she didn’t tell me who you were.  I honestly didn’t know for several visits.   But suddenly, here was someone spending time with just me, and I had my own bedroom at your house.  And I met my stepmom.  It was cool but still a little weird.  That was until I opened the cigar box on the dresser in my bedroom.  There was enough in that box for me to quickly figure out that you were my dad.  I remember being mad at my mom, because she had let me believe that someone else was my dad.  Looking back, I can’t really blame her, because I don’t think she intentionally mislead me.  We had some good times… Castle Park, water slides, shooting bbguns, drinking colored 7up from crystal decanters, and playing Mille Bornes.  These are some of my favorite memories of you.

But then you were gone.  Again.  I don’t know for sure what happened, but that was the last time I saw you for a very long time.

The next time I saw you, I was married with a family of my own.  Having the internet at home was still a somewhat recent thing, but I’d figured I’d give it a shot.  I had checked the phone book for your name many times, but I guess the cities were far enough apart that we didn’t see each other.  So a phone book search online had me staring at the screen.  No, I didn’t find you, but I found my stepmom.  I was pretty sure of it.  But I was frozen, I tried to reach for the phone a couple of times, but I didn’t know what to say or even how to act.   So I did what any brave and strong man would do…  I had my wife call.  She spoke for several minutes (I don’t even know with whom) but hung up and told me that yes, it was you.  And that I had 2 sisters that I didn’t know anything about.  And that you lived about 20-25 minutes away.  And that we would be going to see you that very afternoon.  I was stunned.. and happy.. and frightened.. and excited.

Well, you know how things went from there.  We got together every so often and enjoyed it each and every time.  I absolutely loved coming over and spending time with everyone.  In retrospect, I wish I had made a concerted effort to do more.  I could make excuses until I’m blue in the face… oh, we were both busy raising families, etc, etc.  But I wish I had made an extra effort, nonetheless.

Moving out of the state to Georgia really didn’t help matters, I suppose.  I still believe that I moved for the right reasons (which, by the way, was for my kids.  I wanted them to grow up and start taking their first steps out on their own in a better place than South Florida), but it didn’t help us get to know each other better.  We spent so much time of our lives apart, I still feel that I barely knew you, and vice versa.

So here goes, a little about me…

Let’s start with Sci Fi.  I’m a sucker for science fiction.  I love Sci Fi movies, TV series, and books.  I’m also a fan of fantasy as well.  Like Lord of the Rings, type of fantasy (Fun fact, I first read the hobbit in 7th grade, and the Lord of the Rings in the 8th).  I have played role playing games like dungeons and dragons for most of my life (probably since I was about 14) and still do.

I like to read.  A lot.  I always have a book I’m reading on my kindle app on my phone, and I’ve even taken to listening to audio books on my commute to work.  I know, that’s technically not reading, but it’s nearly the same thing, letting your imagination draw the scenes from the narrative.

I love to work with my hands.  I can fix most things around my house (just installed a new sink a few weeks ago), many automotive issues, and I even still enjoy building models.  I like to write every so often.  It doesn’t matter what, I guess, but I do have some cool story ideas I’d like to flesh out and maybe write about.  I did write a full book once, but it was all about my time getting divorced, and not really worth anyone else reading.  It was very therapeutic for me.  Probably in the same way that I’ve decided to write to you now.

Music.  I love music.  I really wish I was able to play a music instrument.  I think I could hack it, but the instrument I’d like to play most is guitar, and with my finger, I can’t really feel or hold the chords correctly (you do know about the finger injury I sustained on my left hand I sustained when I was in 6th grade, right?  I may tell you again sometime, in any case).  I absolutely LOVED my time as a DJ.  You do know I was a DJ, I had to have told you.  But I don’t know how much I talked about it, but again, something for another time.

The outdoors.  Wow.  Yes, I love the outdoors.  I love the mountains, the ocean, lakes and rivers. I love camping.  I always wanted to learn to scuba dive.  I could probably go on and on and on here, but I’m sure you get the point.

I love watching movies (yes, mostly Sci fi and Fantasy as mentioned above).  I always work movie quotes into responses and conversations, just to see if someone can pick up the reference.  I feel good when they do, though I don’t really know why.

There’s so much more about me that I want for you to know, but I think I’d like to save some of it.  I’d like to write you some more every now and then and can always share another tidbit or two when I do…

So now it is Sunday evening.  I got the call about 11:30pm last night, and haven’t heard anything since.  I’m tempted to call, but at the same time I know that this is a very emotional time and I don’t want to be a pest.  I’m sure I’ll be brought into the loop when the plans have been ironed out.  In the meantime, I’ll go in to work tomorrow so I can make arrangements for a trip down to Florida.

The time is already here for goodbye, but I feel like we barely got to say hello.

I don’t even know if you ever heard me say I love you.  That’s probably my biggest regret.  I have some sort of issue outside of my kids, saying I love you to anyone.  Yes, even my mom.  I don’t know why, there’s probably some sort of medical term for it that escapes me.

I do love you, Dad.  And I’m going to miss all of those times we never got to have.

Your son,

Rich